


Wish I Was Better

by deparva



Category: Honkai Impact 3 (Video Game), 崩坏3rd | Honkai Impact 3rd (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mei has PTSD, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Tendencies, but that is yet to be proven in canon lol, especially after the events of chapter 8, heheHEHEGEHE, kiana is suicidal, man making these tags make me realize how much angsty potential this shop has, post-diane's soujourn, slightly canon divergent as in like. himeko doesnt survive, spilled kudon!!, traumatized Kiana, traumatized Mei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 17:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deparva/pseuds/deparva
Summary: Her expectations of them being a stranger were there—just a normal shipmember snatching a quick snack for break. Not once did the albino think of a reunion with those she harmed in the prior months.But reality slapped her in the face—hard."M-Mei?", her voice cracks at the unruly sight of the ravenette clad in white. The katana wielder held that same expression of shock and horror."Kiana…"[in which kiana and mei have a reunion. a tearful one at that]





	Wish I Was Better

She was scared. 

Scared of being attacked head-on by everyone she still considers family; scared that they would recognize _ her _rather than who she truly was. The fear of walking back into the Hyperion base after all that was tattered had her hesitant. 

Then, she takes a breath. A deep, slow inhale and long exhale.

The doors slid open to the base, leading her into the main room. It was vacant yet homely, as if her becoming a potent Herrscher didn't happen all those months ago 

_ "Foolish of you to think they'd be here for your return," _ the voice in her head rung.

"Shut up," the albino spat back under her breath. "I _ know _ someone has to be around. I just… _ hope_—" 

_ "Hope is a naive thing for you. There was none for you, anyways." _

Kiana toned out the Second Herrscher's taunts that once brought her to explosive tears just four months ago. It's funny, actually—at first, she despised the world as the Void Ruler planned. Now? All that the Ranger could do was accept the reality of the things that have come and gone. 

That doesn't mean certain things didn't bother her then and there. 

The rebirthed Void Drifter trailed through the living corridors into the kitchen, where it was vacant of any cooking utensils. It was as if no one came down to make anything in _ months_, strangely. It'd make sense as her peripherals caught on the takeout boxes that were poking out ever so slightly from the garbage bin. 

After a few more confirmations, ranging from stored away in the fridge that was still fresh to plant life still thriving, she asked herself, "So someone is here? Thank God!" The shred of happiness that was sealed away was now beaming through. 

Then, another question came into mind. _ Who _ would be here if everyone went off to find her and Auntie Himeko? 

<strike>That name still pulled strings at her heart; they were dull stings in comparison to the unbearable heartbreak when realizing what was done in Herrscher form.</strike>

Her stomach began to rumble and the thought of the fridgerated kudon came to mind. For a moment, her mismatched eyes had a starry glint when drooling over the kudon— 

And that's when the base doors were heard pulling open for another person. 

For that moment, Kiana paused in her insatiable desires to fulfill her hunger. Normally she'd just chow down whatever is in her hands, but this situation wouldn't be the case. Footsteps approached the kitchen, nearing with each padded step against the laminated, wood flooring. 

Her expectations of them being a stranger were there—just a normal shipmember snatching a quick snack for break. Not once did the albino think of a reunion with those she harmed in the prior months. 

But reality slapped her in the face—hard. 

"M-_Mei_?", her voice cracks at the unruly sight of the ravenette clad in white. The katana wielder held that same expression of shock and horror.

"Kiana…"

The kudon bowl that was in her hands plopped out of the plastic container, scattering over the marble floor. Tears pricked at the corners of the Drifter's eyes, a glint of reimbursed hope shining through after all this time.

"Mei...you're _ alive_\--!" 

In the ravishing of nostalgia and tearful relief, Mei felt fear boiling in her stomach. Bile rose to the base of her throat when seeing the reformed sight of her friend. Her Herrscher's Will wasn't evident but traces of it lingered—a prime example being the mismatched eyes. An electric blue that was an iconic color to the child-like Ranger and an amber yellow that had a glint of underlying deprecation and sorrow.

It was an odd mix; an odd mixture of feelings that Mei also experienced.

"Where _ is _ everyone? I know why you're here but it's so lonely," Kiana walked over to the shellshocked ravenette. Indigo eyes were distilled in fear yet sorrow, yearning yet distant. As the albino reached out for her, she took a step back. 

"Mei-senpai? It's me, Kiana!"

"That's...what she said. That's what _ you _ said." 

For a moment, the Drifter didn't understand; disbelief swept at her face as quick as her happiness went with that statement. With the realization of what the other meant, her mouth went agape and closed. 

"M-Mei, I swear I'm not her. I _ swear_—" 

"How can I trust you? How do I know I'm not talking to _ her _ of all people?!" 

Tears swelled in her eyes. Anger flushed her face and adrenaline coursed through her veins like wildfire. Mei clutched at her chest, wincing at the dull throb from the blow of earlier months—as quick of a natural healer she was, the Fulminata core didn't work as well in comparison to the Gem of Conquest. "How am I supposed to know you're not going to kill _ me _ too?!" 

That yell sparked a fire from within Kiana. The albino threw herself unto her, hugging her tightly with vice-like grip. Not now, she thought, not now did she want another person to stray from her threshold of family. 

With a bit of consideration, there's little remaining of those who she came close with.

Tears that were silent crying became quiet hiccups and sobs against the albino's chest. Kiana felt the katana wielder melt into her embrace like a puddle of putty. A white, gloved hand caressed the other's back as she began heaving. 

"I'm here, Mei. _ I'm _ here," the young knight deemed. The low, soft tone in her voice was something benign, unfamiliar, yet welcomed. In those calming moments, she felt herself being able to breathe once more--the scalding bile that burned her throat was swallowed down. 

All that remained within the living corridors were quiet, dwindling sniffles from Mei.

Kiana was rightfully hesitant to come back, to come back to irreversible damage she’s caused unto not only everyone, but those that she cherished and loved the most. Resentment towards herself and her actions and her existence grew tenfold as the seconds became minutes while embracing the out of comissioned Valkyrie. 

If only she wasn’t a fool. If _ only _ she didn’t cling onto those memories of vigor and nostalgia of her parents. 

_ If only-- _

“Kiana? You- you’re shaking. Real badly,” the ex-Lightning Herrscher points out. She tried pulling away to lead the albino in sitting down but that would be in vain. The Drifter would then collapse from her knees locking in and nearly snapping--

“Kiana? _ Kiana_! Talk to me. Please, say something!”

“Hey, Mei? How would everyone feel if I died? Like, right now?”

The blue eye that was an indicator of her will clinging unto the hope of humanity was fading in and out, flickering constantly. The signs of her Herrscher will peeled through each layer that was refurnished, renewed. What simple progress the Kaslana made was about to be vein if she were to even summon a subspace lance. 

_ ”You could never escape me, Kaslana. Not even in death.” _

_ I can try. Even with me being still living! _

Golden yellow and inky black bubbles that formed at her palm dissipated into the fickle traces of nothingness. With a deep breath in, she slowly exhaled from her nose.

It’d be Mei’s embrace that kept her from going beserk, that kept her from losing grip onto her sanity.

“Just breathe, Kiana. Just breathe. I’m right here if you need anything.” Kiana would end up biting at her gloved hands to hold back tears streaming down her cheeks, but that was a bit too late for even that. As everything burned from within from the self-hatred, it went out and became cold, hollow, empty inside. 

“Everyone went after _ you _ to find you and Himeko. Everyone still cherishes you, Kiana.”

A weak laugh was all she could manage, “Really? Even after trying to kill me?”

“I-”

“Just kidding!”

As she smiled with the feigned joy she scrunged up, it went back into a bitter frown. “So, maybe not, but still. I truly feel useless--even more than usual with how _ I _ killed everyone I love--”

“That wasn’t you. I _ know _ it wasn’t you.”

Puffy eyes stared back the pairs of dark sapphires that she grew to love over time. A hand massaged at the albino’s shoulder, “The mistakes of another shouldn’t coincide with who you are.”

“B-But--”

“Kiana Kaslana,” she cuts off the Drifter. “You’ve known me since I was a reawakened Herrscher. I managed, by some stupendous miracle, to break free from _ my _ Herrscher’s Will because of _ you_. You’re the reason why I still want to live here. And I know someone else besides me is the reason why you’re fighting for humanity, for full control.”

As silent as the corridors became, Kiana couldn’t help but agree (and be flattered) with the statement of reason from the ravenette. 

It just so happened that Himeko was the one she fought for, the one that she wanted to keep living for. It seemed stupid at first but she understood in due time thanks to a psuedo-Guardian Angel. And with that, she nods in agreement. 

“You’re...right, Senpai. I have someone I want to still be alive for.”

_And you’re right, Sensei. I can still end the story the way we wanted._

Kiana went in for another hug--even tighter than the last time--for Mei. A soft grin was at her lips with tears of joy pricking at her eyes. With that, the katana wielder hugged back and pulled away for a moment, pointing at the spilled mess that was on the floor.

“So, you said you were hungry, huh?”

“Huh?” She just happened to notice the spilled kudo with the plastic bowl turnt upright. “_ Oh. _”

**Author's Note:**

> i have exams this week and next week. and this is how i spend that time of studying. :)   
trust me, slow recovery isn't gonna get any better if i manage to put words fluently 
> 
> but hey!!! this was a first time for me and im sure i misportrayed everything. dkdmsks
> 
> i might make fluff soon....who knows :shrug:
> 
> [come scream at me on @emalyris!]


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